12-31-2020

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This isn't how love is supposed to feel

When I was in eight grade, I started to go to church with my cousin, since we went to the same school, I would often sleep over at her house and go with her to a little church near her house. There I met what I taught was the love of my life. But he was far from that.... I was always bullied at school because I was too shy, and did not have a "pretty face", so I would get picked on every day! When I started going to church I met (lets call him) "Jo", Pastor's son, very "serious"; To be honest, I felt intimidated by him when I first saw him, but he was very nice for the first two or three months. Once we got closer he told me he had a crush on me; by that time, he was 19 or 20, and I was 14, I was still made fun of. So when he told me that, I started to like him back, thought He would be my way of letting people see, I was not "that ugly", that there was someone out there who really liked me. But little did I know! I really felt for him, but I kept all a secret to my family, no one knew about him and I, just some of my friends from school. He wanted it to be a secret!! Since he was a school drop-out. He would often sneak to school and visit me. But he started to get very jealous of my every move, he would watch who I talked with and would often fight me about my guy friends. Little by little he just took control of me completely! Who I talked with, how I dressed for school, I would have to ask for his permission if I wanted to go to a party or movies! But I was convinced, that it was love, so I kept on. One day he told me I needed to wear a skirt to church. That I needed to respect that church, so jeans we not an option. He told me that to our next service i HAD to weak a skirt or he would dump me. Scared as I was, I just couldn't afford to lose him! I was no longer bullied at school, having a boyfriend, made it all better. I wanted it that way! So I got the skirt. I still remember what I had on the night my life was for ever changed. I had a light jean skirt, a blue under shirt and on top of that, a one sided pink shirt with a pair of black converse. When I got there, he texted me, telling me to meet him in one of the classrooms to help him with the snacks for the younger kiddos. So we both sneaked out, he went first, then I did. I walked to the back, and when I got to the classroom, the light was off, I couldn't see anything! I went in, and heard the door shut slowly, and then I heard the lock. I was scared! I had a feeling that was telling me to run! But I was too scared to move, then suddenly, I hear Jo, (I still couldn't see, his skin was dark, so he blended perfectly in the dark room). But he whispered to me, that i looked very pretty, and gave me a kiss! Once I knew it was him I felt just a bit better. But that weird feeling was not fading! I asked why was the lights off and his reply was "I want to give you a gift and no one can know about us still, so we need to be quiet!" He told me to sit on the desk. I did, but once i sat, i felt the urge to cry. Perhaps deep down I knew something bad was about to happen. In all that darkness i start to feel his hands go up my skirt and pull down my underwear, and he shoves his other hand in my mouth. I start to cry and he rushes to my ear and with the angriest tone tells me to "keep quiet!" I stood frozen, while he did what he had to do. I was confused, I was just a girl, the word "sex" freaked me out, so I knew nothing about it. But he did. And after he was done, satisfied, told me to put my underwear on and clean my face. With just a drop of courage and manage to whisper to him "Im going to tell you Dad!" To what he responded, "Who do you think they are going to believe? You, the new girl, or the Pastor's son?". Those words took my voice away. He managed to play with my head. I went to the bathroom, cleaned my face and sat back down with my cousin. I didn't tell a soul that night. He later called me telling me to take a shower and throw my underwear away. I was so scared, confused, lost. I just did that he told me. I threw every evidence to the trash and washed the rest with soap.... He even managed to do the same thing two more times in different places. Because I was too scared to tell, and he had convinced me, that what he gave me was the gift of love, because "he loved me so much".... a year after he finally left me alone, I managed to step up against him. Up until now, Just 3 people know about it. They are not family members. I still feel too ashamed to tell my family... But i'm working on it! And hopefully this video helps me take that final step on telling.....I'm now 23 years old, life has not been easy since I kept quiet all these years. I had to battle depression, anxiety, and other stuff by myself, that could have been prevented or worked on, if I had told what happened. I don't blame God, the Church, the people at church, or even myself. I even go to Church now and I love it!! Like I said, it wasn't anybody's fault, nor God. Only HE was the monster ALL along!